Sunday, March 10, 2013

Ready...set...GO! starting fresh in 2013!

Well, I'm back again after a VERY long hiatus...I kinda forgot about this thing, sorry blog!!

I'm starting up again for number of reasons, but mostly, this blog will be a tool I can use so that I am able to track my daily (or every couple of days) activities, thoughts, meals, etc.

[Warning...this is a fairly hefty post! not for the ADD, or bored, or just generally not interested...
I promise the rest of my posts wont be so long! ;-) ]

A quick recap/introduction of 2013 so far


I lost 13lbs doing Weight Watchers and moderately working out.... and was feeling "OK"...Every time in the past when I've lost weight, for some reason, it does nothing to help with my depression, anxiety, or energy...HMPH!

end of Feb....BANG!!!

(and I am putting in a forewarning here...yes, what I am about to say is private and somewhat controversial, but, I am, IN NO WAY, ashamed of my decision or ashamed to open up and talk about here goes)

It was Sunday, Feb 10th...and I found out I was pregnant...HOLY SHIT (I said this over and over again on the phone to my best friend Whitney)...this cant be heart racing...2 at home tests later, and a HORRIBLE experience at the Dr. the next day confirmed...In my heart, I knew that this was not the time to bring a child into the world, nor was I ready.  I wasn't speaking to the father at the time, and knew he didn't want to go down this avenue either (which he later confirmed).  I have many reasons why I chose not to have this baby...those I will keep to myself (unless you really want to know)..BUT...TRUST ME...this was NOT an easy decision, and as time went on leading up to my appointment at Planned Parenthood, the feelings of guilt, sadness, depression, and raging hormones set in...along with terrible food choices and lack of exercise... I was angry with myself for being so irresponsible, I hated men, I got in arguments with a lot of my friends, I gave up my diet, I stopped exercising, I was just overall...ANGRY and SAD...

The day came, a week and 1/2 later, and my close friends took me to my appointment for moral support.  Once there, I was calm.  I knew it my gut, that this was the right thing to do.  Over the course of 2-3 days, I experienced the worst physical pain I had ever date.

However, something happened that i did not expect, something in me had changed (beyond the obvious---physical).  For once, in a very long time, I was HAPPY.  Despite the pain, despite the uncomfortableness, despite the previous anger and sadness, despite the raging hormones...I was happy.  I felt as if I got a second chance to do my life "right", to live a life where I'm AWARE, INVOLVED, MINDFUL, and ACTIVE PARTICIPANT...instead of watching my life go by and being generally unhappy and clinically depressed

Still wasn't sure to put all of this new found energy and happiness though....

Early March

I flew to Arizona to see on of my favorite people, Madalyn.  I always have felt that the desert has a certain healing energy, and this was the perfect time for me to get the hell outta Dodge!  Of course, we had a blast, too much food, too much booze, lots of sun, lots of pool time, lots of relaxing days...It was great

But, after I got home, I was exhausted and worn down...and a few days of this crap, I knew this was when I needed to make shit happen and be proactive!  Here comes fate...or just a friend intervention...rather, "dove" intervention (inside joke)...One of my best friends Heather, told me she was reading a book called "It Starts With Food"...basically the Paleo diet, but with a few more restrictions, etc.  Now, I had heard of this term before and thought it was just another "fad diet" and never did actual research.  But, hearing that Heather chose this program (especially after a 3-4 month long, terrible illness) to help with her recovery, and knowing that Heather is a very intelligent, well-informed, and healthy person, it definitely sparked my interest...

so...IM HOOKED...I am still reading throughout the book, and of course, plan on reading everything I can, but to kick start things into gear I have downloaded many info sheets, read cookbooks, read lifestyle tips, and went to the grocery store :-), etc.

Now, think what you want...However, being as I studied evolutionary anthropology for the past 6 years, and evolutionary medicine for the past year, this book and the program makes COMPLETE sense to me.  I gotta practice what I preach, right?

Basically, our bodies were not suited for our modern environment (you know, McDonalds on every corner, sugary processed food being cheaper than healthy fruits and veggies, corn-fed everything, stress, alcohol, drugs, you name it, the list goes on)...Our bodies were adapted for an environment that existed OVER 11,000 years ago!!!! Basically, it means, our bodies, their mechanisms, much of our psychology, etc were adapted to the lifestyle to that of a small, hunting and gathering society....  I wont go into too much detail, because it would take too long, and chances are, you have already stopped reading, haha, so I've included some links below if you are interested or want to know more

So here goes...

DAY 0  (Day 1 officially starts tomorrow...I need to give up gross ciggs)


  • 3 hard boiled eggs (half egg white, dont really like hard yolks)
  • apple
  • green tea

Snack (one AM/one PM)

  • 2 pieces of organic turkey jerky (come to find out, still has sugar in it! DOH! cant have that...)
  • raw, unsalted cashews
  • cashews
  • butternut squash


  • baked chicken
  • butternut squash
  • handful of blackberries


  • lean steak, cooked in coconut oil for healthy fat
  • roasted asparagus
  • butternut squash

Feelings/Thoughts/Emotions throughout day:

  • Woke up drowsy from Benadryl the night before, however, motivated and excited
  • Rest of the day:  energized, proactive, and productive
  • Headache from afternoon till evening
  • Overall -- satisfied...although I have to admit, donuts have popped into my mind a few times...stay away!


It Starts With Food book

A Brief Intro

The Clothes Make the Girl blog

Mark's Daily Apple

and many more coming!

Sunday, May 15, 2011

go forth and set the world on fire

Well, haven't been as good as I should be with this whole blogging thing...Guess I'm still working on trying to make time for myself...

Having a scary panic attack that lead to an ER visit on Wednesday night, made me realize that something wasn't right...

As many of you know (and some who don't) I've been recovering from a really bad year of depression.  All consuming, frustrating, and confusing time of my life.

However, these past few months, with help from therapy and my amazing friends and family, I started to feel better again. Wanting to get out of bed and take a shower, eating healthy, exercising, laughing, being happy, etc.  

And as usual, once I was feeling well again, I wanted to do EVERYTHING.  Which is where the pitfall lies...Waking up at 6 am, and going until 10pm without a minute to breathe, one can only imagine how this might lead to a mini breakdown.   

Well, these experiences have taught me something very important:  to make time for myself.  However, being from a hard working protestant background and a father who is 82 years old (retired) and tells me every time we talk that he is "working on his last project", "time for oneself" seemed wrong to me, it made me feel like I was being lazy, etc etc

However, I realize that I am worth a 5 minute meditation in my morning.  I am allowed to take a day off of work and not worry about being productive.  I deserve to take myself to a garden and just lay down and smell what is around me...

I guess what I am trying to get to, and the lesson of the day, month, year, lifetime is this:   its VITAL to slow down, take life in, and BREATHE...because YOU ARE WORTH IT!!!

thought i would share some links, if anyone lives in the LA area, here are a few great spots to check out and check out ;-)

UCLA Japanese Garden

Huntington Botanical Gardens (amazing!)

Lake Shrine Temple in Pacific Palisades

UCLA Meditation Center (MARC)

slow down, and as cliche as it may sound, smell the roses :-)



Saturday, April 16, 2011

something new

Welp, here I am.

Not sure if anyone is going to read this, but I wanted somewhere where I could write thoughts, share ideas, grow, and explore, all through the written word...well I suppose the 21st century written word :-)

Although as many of you know (those who know me), I usually do not have a problem speaking my mind or sharing how I feel, however, this blog is a way for me to open up and in a way, a therapeutic tool that I hope will aid me in my path of regaining strength and recovering from a very tough year.

Shoot, now I don't know exactly what to say...(surprise!)

I guess I will start this blog off by sharing one of my favorite recipes...Not exactly opening my soul up to the world, but this blog is going to be a mixed bag!

This is an amazing recipe I came across, my mother (who is the queen of baking) actually got this one from me and I am proud to say that she loves it too!  Hope you enjoy and thanks for checking this out! Ha, I might be the only one...but thats okay too :-)

Warm Apple Buttermilk Custard Pie

Thought it would be a great idea to post this site as well, my friend Dan shared this with me and its my new favorite wasting-time-on-the-web guilty pleasure!  Guaranteed warm and fuzzies all over!

Cute Roulette

and if you are wondering where I got my title from, Robert Frost's poem was one that I read in 7th grade.  It really touched me and has followed me ever since, if you haven't read it, or would like to read it again, its a beautiful one.  I feel that it puts words to the place in life that Im currently at...

The Road Not Taken -- Robert Frost

To all my current and future followers...much love